I don’t have too many words tonight.
Seeing as it’s Thanksgiving season and all, gratitude has been on my mind. That word is all over my inbox, newsfeed, instagram. All of the yogis go crazy with it this time of year and I think that’s good. It reminded me of how gratitude doesn’t work unless you’re thankful for all of what you call yours. Everything. Yep, even the bad stuff.
Ugh. I hated realizing that. I realized it a few years ago, on my yoga mat, and I remember just thinking: damnit. I can’t just be thankful for my family, my friends, my health, my dogs, all of the other things in my life that are good and joyful? I can’t just be thankful for the stuff that’s easy to be thankful for? You’re telling me I have to give thanks to the shitty stuff too? I have to be thankful for that? Damnit, damnit, damnit.
Damnit because I had no idea how to go about doing such a thing. Gratitude towards the shitty? I can’t, I won’t, no, it doesn’t feel right or real or like something I want to do. Ever. But I knew, and still know, that it has to happen–that is, if we want to be at peace and all that good stuff.
Tonight I feel like I understand a little better.
Grateful for the shitty because of how tender it made me, once I let it. Grateful for the shitty because it made me feel more alive, however badly it hurt as it went about doing so, because it gave me a pulse, eyes that are more open and hands more willing to help, because it taught me how not to act when you’re hurting like hell, because of the places it took me searching, because of how real it feels now when I laugh, because of how it cut me, thank God I am breakable, because now I can cry instead of clench my jaw, because it softened me, so much, how I know myself, how I don’t know anything, because it closed me off, because of the openness that followed, the history it gave me, the loneliness it caused, how it’s all mine. Grateful for the shitty because it lit any parts of my life that were boring or stagnant on fire and forced me to figure out a way to exist that felt less trivial and a lot more fun.
Okay cool. Glad I got that out.
What I really want to say is that a few weeks ago we were walking back to the car, we had been off of the ground since 7am, it was dusk. This is what was said: even if we had all the money in the world, we would be doing the same thing we’re doing right now.
Grateful, because thanks to the shitty, I can say things like that.